If you started reading this in hopes of learning something about my love life or anything related to the subject, hate to disappoint but this ain’t it. On that subject I’m less than an expert, putting it mildly. 

This is the story of how I was called out for using term ‘ex friend’, mostly by my straight guy friends and how people are using it now very much so. 

Throughout my life I had times where it was very easy and sometimes very hard to make friends. The best ones were and still come from the least expected places, people I’m ok with but when first introduced would never think we’d go on to become close friends. When you’re young you loose friends and lots of times it’s mostly because of the circumstances: you’re kids and then one of you moves away ( referring to days before social media and cell phones), war happens and you’re separated, you find a new interest and become close with other kids who share it and in the process loose some who have no interest in it. Whatever it  may be,most of the time kids move on because they have no choice and because they’re resilient.  

Then you get to that age when your friends are closer to you than your family ( or so you think as a young adult). Those are the ones you believe are going to be in your life forever, your BFFs. Sometimes they really are and even time and distance can’t hurt those friendships. I still have friends I don’t talk on regular basis but I’ve known them since elementary school and whenever something, anything happens we’re there for each other. Like any other relationship to persevere it you have to put in the work. Then sometimes, people we get to be extra close with and refer to as out besties or really good friends are actually people who were in our lives for a season, reason or a lesson. Sometimes we outgrow them, sometimes they outgrow us, sometimes you just grow apart, but because at some point in life they were so close to us and then they no longer are I refer to them as ‘my ex friend’.  You have no idea how much grief  I got for that term. People shaking their heads when I’d use it were almost without exemption boys. See, we are wired differently, because when two boys didn’t get along anymore they’d get new friends and move along. No fighting, gossiping, drama, just moving along with their lives without that person. So when I’d try to explain myself I’d say something along the lines: we were the best of friends, in contact every day ( sometimes several times a day), doing everything together, keeping each other’s secrets, taking their side in anything and then for whatever reason we went our different ways. Hence the ex friend. That  explanation usually didn’t satisfy them so I’d say : you had a girlfriend with whom you spent most of your time with, told things you didn’t tell your family or your guy friends and then when you broke up she became your ex girlfriend. Makes sense, right? Well it does to me and it didn’t to them. Therefore I continued to use the term and stopped explaining it, because it seamed like a waste of everyone’s time. 

I value friendship probably more than any other relationship. We get into it for a simple reason of getting along, enjoying each other’s company, no contacts, no obligation, simply people who like each other platonically and are willing to be there for each other. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s sad when it doesn’t, but it’s part of life.

 I had one friend who I was close in high school. By the end of our senior year we drifted apart. She didn’t do or say anything that would have hurt my feelings and I’d like to think I did the same, we were simply not on a same page any longer. I’d see her around town, heard all kind of rumors on what she was up to, who she was hanging out with, but I didn’t have any ill will towards her, she was just my ex friend. Then by the time she almost graduated college Facebook came along. I was really big on it, made everyone I know get on that trend and use it to express who you are or wanted to be. In the beginning I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread: reconnecting with people you’ve lost touch with, finding new friends who shared your interests, what’s not to like? Then I came across ‘people you might know’ and her name came out. So I sent a friend request not expecting anything other than maybe we could be Facebook friends. She accepted it and said she didn’t send me one cause she thought I wouldn’t accept it. Long story short: one of us suggested we meet up in real life and have coffee. We did and  even though we were different people from high school we stayed in touch until she disappeared from all social media and there was no way for me to stay in touch with her anymore. I still remember her daughter’s birthday every year because it’s on St. Patty’s day and now just send my best wishes through her mom’s social media. Hope she’s doing well and if by some random chance she reads this: I’m here if you want to reach out and I’m wishing you nothing but the best! 

Then there are some ex friends I don’t regret having in my life but would no longer care to rekindle that friendship and those who were never my friends to begin with ( sometimes on their part sometimes on mine) but we used that term for the lack of other. Some were my frenemies and some turned out to be archenemies, for those…good riddance.

 These days I hear people refer to once friends but no longer as ex friends in social media, podcasts and real life and I finally feel understood. 

To all my real friends: thank you for existing,  your friendship means the world to me!

*** ‘Le Storie Vere’  by Jovanotti