Friends are family we choose for ourselves is true to the bone for me.
Since I realized (too) early I did not win biological family lottery I started looking for my tribe very early on. When I was very young, as a child I had a really hard time making friends. Not by choice or conscientiously but I had to grow up at the age of two. That’s when I first started feeling responsible for myself and my mother’s well being. So even though I was around children my age and I did want them to be my friends I simply didn’t know how to be just a kid doing kid stuff. In a back of my mind I was always aware I might have to leave playtime to ‘check’ on my mom. She has never asked me for that, her behavior and demeanor did.
Sadly I think I peaked in kindergarten. When we moved to the apartment where I spent most of my childhood I finally started kindergarten and was free of being around my grandmother all day. I was with kids my age, it was ran by sisters (nuns) and it was probably the only time in my entire life I was carefree for a couple hours. A girl who was there before me and was a year younger befriend me and gave me the lay of the land: we called them just ‘sister’, we were taught alphabet, had plays once or twice a year and if we get caught out of our beds at ‘sleep time’ punishment was writing the whole alphabet several times and then we were free to roam around. Needless to say I recall the two of us being the only ones getting ‘caught’ out of our beds, we’d finish alphabet in record time and while other kids were sleeping we were exploring a convent. My first lead role was in kindergarten as Virgin Mary ( having more lines than all the others put together and Joseph had exactly one or none if memory serves me), Mother superior liked me and has given me a pass for all that sleepless times, got along with all of the kids, had a bestie and felt truly loved and safe for the five days a week.
That little girl and I were later friends outside of just kindergarten and though we were on again off again friends until I almost finished college despite everything she will always stay in a good friend memory.
They say some friends are here for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. I don’t have ‘lifers’ in the sense that we’ve known each other for ever and been together forever, but I have people I’ve known since first grade and still love them and miss having them around being that they never left our hometown and I couldn’t wait to go to my ‘home’ across the ocean.
First girl I remember from first day of school was the tallest kid in a class and since I was second or third ( if you personally know me now I know it might be hard to imagine that) they sat us together in the back. In all honesty I don’t remember her talking…at all unless she was asked the whole first grade. Her least name in English means ‘the goodness’ and she really always was to me. Thought I never met her children in person I love them like you love family because she and her family were always good to me in ways I don’t think she’s even aware and I will forever be grateful for that.
Around fifth grade things took a turn for not so good. Things at home were bad, my face look like it had an allergic reaction to itself and casual bullying made me feel alone and lonely in a way that I would avoid going to school whenever possible. By the end of elementary school (8th grade) the face cleared and I realized a lot of us were bullied for some reason and most of us had some sort of insecurities so I decided high school will be a clean slate.
In high school at the start of it I only knew one girl in my class ( she was from my elementary school but I was class C and she was D there so we only knew each other as acquaintances) so we sat together and became close. For reasons unknown to us one of our teachers had a distinct dislike for us so we also had shared trauma ( we never talked about it but there was no denying it).
By the end of senior year we grew apart and went our separate ways in college days until Facebook came along and I just figured I’d request her for friendship because we didn’t end in a bad way we just went separate ways. She accepted, we met in person and talked and though we are no besties she’s someone I share history with and wish her nothing but the best.
During high school years I wasn’t very social and definitely felt like I didn’t belong. Not in that school, not in that town, not in that country, just a completely misplaced misfit.
Since that friend and I seam to rub that teacher the wrong way we did everything we could to avoid her wrath, even asking girls who set in a row behind us if they’d switch so one of them would sit with one of us in hope that this tyrant would be less agitated if she doesn’t see us together. They agreed and unfortunately it didn’t help but they caught her wrath as well but luckily not the same level of it. That’s how the girl who ended up sitting with me in that class became my friend. Of all of my ‘seasonal’ friends I think she was the one that lasted the most seasons and knew me the best. There were certain chapters of our lives we didn’t read out loud ( never knew her father even though they lived in a same building on a same floor) and than there were others we only read to each other. She was a good girl, doing everything by the book and I was ‘the bad influence’. It really bothered me she never stood up for herself because I saw her potential and kindness so I sometimes took it upon myself to do it and sometimes pushed her to do it (definitely a little too hard). Her mother was always encouraging of my efforts to push her out of her comfort zone and I ended up staying friendly with her mom for years after our friendship fell apart. Thought I take full accountability for the part I played in dissolution of our friendship the one thing I regret ( also lesson learned) is my delivery. But it wasn’t all bad because years after we fell apart as friends I heard she became that person I pushed her ( yes, too hard with poor delivery) to be: strong and independent. Thought we could never be friends again I cherish that relationship at that time and hope she finds happiness that the girl I knew definitely deserved.
Then came adulting. Sure nobody said it would be easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard ( feel free to sing that part out, I did). It’s still weird to me that when people say ‘adult’ it implies to me, because even though I became that emotionally at a very young age I never felt grown up in a sense that I reached those ‘grown up’ milestones. In my 20s it didn’t seem that hard to befriend people, but I found all my friends in NYC so the definitions of ‘friend’ and friendship differ and most people don’t stay in NY forever so it was all seasonal. Which in itself is not a bad thing it’s just how it is. There are so many people I’ve became friends with and have since became only Instagram friends mostly due to the distance, but in this last chapter there are definitely few worth mentioning.
Most of the people I consider my actual friends came from unexpected places, reasons or circumstances. Recently I had experienced a loss and even more recently I had an accident that left me home bound for weeks. Few people actually showed up and checked in. They know who they are but to say I’m grateful and appreciated doesn’t cover it. The things they think were ‘little stuff anyone would do’ meant a great deal, because not everyone would actually do it.
Someone once said ‘ when it comes to friendship you can’t expect you from others’. It woke me up because for a long time I did expect that even though it was unconsciously, but it wasn’t fair. Real friends don’t feel like an obligation or an effort, but more like home. They’ll allow you and encourage you to grow, change and evolve.
I may not leave much of a legacy but I like to think I was a good friend to my friends, specially after all the lessons I’ve learned along the way. As a friend I show up, genuinely celebrate my friends for all and any of their achievements and I’m loyal sometimes even to default. So to all the friends I’ve ever had, whether it was for a season or a reason…thank you.
*** ‘You’ve Got A Friend’ by Carol King